The not-so-first times

Everyone raves about their firsts. First job, first relationship, first home, first time trying that hidden passion. And I agree, it’s special. It is a unique feeling experiencing anything the first time around. But novelty is also overrated. It can almost feel like that’s the only experience worth the celebration, the joy. I would argue that the art of rediscovery can be as, if not more, enriching.

At least that has been my experience. There has been a clear distinction between the first and seconds. My firsts have rarely been the greatest hits of my life. I have always struggled doing something the first time around. My first relationship was not the ideal one, neither was my first job, or all the in betweens – moving to a new city, the first performance on stage- none of these experiences qualified as the ‘best’. What they were was memorable. They made for amazing stories because when you experience something the first time, you are also unlocking a part of yourself you’ve never met before. Whenever I go down the memory lane, I always recall the firsts. However topsy turvy the road, it was one I had never travelled and that’s what made it so important. You are a version of yourself you’d never be again- excited for the ride, not knowing where it’ll take you yet hopeful, giving it your all.

Coming to the times that came after the first, I’ve always had a better experience. I was much wiser by my second job, and not in the jaded way you’d think. It wasn’t that I had adjusted to the ‘real world’ and now did not come wearing the rose-tinted glasses. I mean, it was also that. But there was also more patience, more stability, more reliance on my own judgement. A lot of us have difficult firsts– we don’t necessarily make the right friends, find the right path, have the world be as kind to us as we thought it would be. So, we shut ourselves out. We tell ourselves ‘I have been there before, and I got hurt- Never again’. The thing is that there are too many variables. Not all of us have similar experiences. And to truly know if what you experienced was fluke or a pattern, you’ve to put yourself out there. Let yourself get hurt again, remain open and go back to that version of yourself you’d almost buried, but fill it with confidence, wisdom, and the belief that things would be better this time.

If you are one of those few who had great experiences first time trying things, it is a great exercise in rediscovery of the beauty of certain elements you might have missed. I had a great time the first time I rented a place of my own, managing everything by myself and having true independence. But when I did it again after 4 years, my eyes opened to the person I had become in between, it was so different that it felt like the first time again.

Patterns are not created in the first try – it is only after repeated tries that you know what anything truly is, who you are. And each time you do it, you change in ways you don’t recognise at that time- that’s a gift you get in hindsight.

Entering a new address on my Zomato as ‘Home’ just hit differently, however many times I did it. My mom the other day asked me the other day why I had so many addresses in all my delivery apps – it was a reminder of the person I had been each time. A college student excited for my future, an almost depressed person barely getting by, a visitor for a day in a city I knew nothing about, a co-resident with a dear friend for a week on vacation, a scared person stuck in my house for months during Covid, a new renter settling down on a budget and dying for takeouts on weekends. And I cherished each of them. I had been each of these people at different times and a part of me almost doesn’t believe it. It feels lifetimes ago. As I entered the new address on my phone a couple of weeks back, I felt a stirring within me, which was familiar yet completely new, and I couldn’t wait to experience this new era I was entering, first or not- each time it would be special in its own way.