To eat or not to eat

Food has always been a way to showcare in Indian households. A symbol of affection, of concern, of someone saying ‘You matter’ without saying it. (Of course, showing verbal affection is blasphemy!)

That being said, I haven't always had the healthiest relationship with food. It took me years to recognise that it was a problem, and even a longer time to understand why. It was my way of not caring, of needing to ‘earn’ satisfaction in some way. 

I had always been quite dedicated to studying, and then later work. I loved the idea of a long night of focus study, followed by a cup of tea and maggi in the morning as I watched the sunrise. Those were some of my happiest mornings. Pleasure is more pleasurable indeed when it follows a challenge. But that quickly permeated to other things. I would avoid lunch at work because I hadn’t worked enough, or I was too stressed. It was an indirect punishment for not being good enough in other areas of life. Could be work, could be a fight, could be stress or overwhelm. 

And then came a terrible phase where after a day of starving, I would gorge on chips, chocolate or instant noodles late at night, feeling nauseous the next day, the cycle beginning all over again. Indulgence was my form of self-care, so I did it in the peace of my home away from the world. The punishment came the next day in the form of sacrifice. Because I had to, in some way, earn that privilege of care.

Now as I look back and verbalise these thoughts, the patterns seem much more clearer to me than they were at the time, where I was operating on instinct and some deeply held misbeliefs. I can scoff and say how stupid it was to behave in that way, but I have found compassion for my younger self. The whole ideology of sacrifice and earning love or care in some way is what got me in the mess in the first place. My relationship with food was not just that, it was a broader need to earn my worth, or to assert my independence. That is not a problem you can handle in a day or just based on will. Sometimes, it can take years to even recognise a problem, forget arriving at a solution. It can be a change of living situation that triggers it, or a friend pointing out your under-eye bags, or someone asking about your routine and you feeling a sense of shame wash over you. 

It might not be as easy to realise the ‘why’ behind your actions. Some things are just more clear in retrospect, the important thing is to take small actions when you can. There are still moments where I slip up, where my inner child stomps her feet and takes over at 2 AM at night after a frustrating day. All I do is catch myself going down the path that only leads to regret, and gently ask and urge the child to stop for a moment and reconsider. It’s not the child’s fault, she doesn’t know better, but you do.