The crisis of the crisis mode

It’s no secret that I am and always have been an anxious person -no reason, just how it has been like. You could trace it back to my childhood- I remember the days when my grandfather took me out on a ride on his scooter. I used to clutch the speeding vehicle as hard as I could, willing it to go slower, constantly worried that a ‘big accident’ was just waiting to happen. I was anxious waiting for the school bus every day, standing on the bus stop with a knot in my stomach that won’t go away. I was anxious in lifts, on bridges (watching Final destination did not help this fear by the way), in group activities, in social situations. I had a ticking clock in me head saying “You’re late!”, “Something’s wrong”. 

Late for what? you ask. No idea. I just always knew there was something I should be doing that I wasn’t, something more deserving of my attention. And unfortunately, that did not go away as I grew older. It just permeated into the smallest of things. So, I could not eat before a presentation, or could not do anything else the entire day before an outing in the evening or speak up in a situation which felt too uncomfortable or unfamiliar. And it didn't make me more careful, or better at my job, or better prepared for situations, it just made me… more anxious. But then, once it became too much to handle, I asked myself a question:

What really IS the worst thing that can happen?

I worried so much about somehow being found, being seen, being discovered to be ‘not quite right’ that I got lost in my head. I still do. But this hyper awareness also spoke to an incessant, obsessive focus on my own self. Unlike what I used to think, the world was not looking at me as much as I thought it did. Everyone was out doing their own thing, lost in their own struggles, dealing with their own insecurities. And even if they were taking out time to judge me, I’d always fall short. Everyone’s expectations are not possible to meet anyway.  

So sometimes I found it helpful to think about what the worst thing could be. I imagined fully what that situation would feel like, heart pounding, ringing in my ears, legs aching, hands cold and sweaty. What did the situation feel like 2 minutes after the initial embarrassment/shock/grief? Was it as everlasting as I thought it would be? Would there REALLY be no other way to get out of it. Sure, life is unpredictable. Sometimes bad things happen that put our life in spiral. But that is not an everyday occurrence for most people. Most days are worries about getting somewhere on time, giving a good pitch, dealing with people, NOT life changing events.

My other discovery was that this microscopic view of life really takes away attention from the bigger picture. If you are constantly worried about the next step, the next day, the next hour, you lose sight of where you are headed at all. Because all your attention is focused on controlling things, or not screwing up, time morphs. Instead of months or years, you think in hours or days. So, when those days and hours add up, you end up realizing how little you have actually moved. Being in crisis mode means worrying a lot and doing just enough to make sure that the source of worry is resolved or at least at bay. It means to not look at actually being constructive, or opening yourself up to more avenues, more people. If I am consistently focused, tensed up on my little world and the daily problems, how would I have energy to work upon anything geared to my larger goals? 

I also found in my experience that those everyday worries become less of worries when you’re in a flow state, when you are focused on building further rather than saving what you have. That’s why momentum is such a helpful thing, and something we don’t use enough of. You would have had the experience of, say, working in a team, and you might have wondered why work just felt easier? (assuming this is a functional, collaborative team). Or maybe in school or college, when you’re mid-way through a report at midnight, you would have had that beautiful, sudden feeling of “Oh wow I am actually doing pretty well. I wonder why I didn’t start any sooner”. 

But you know the answer to that. 

In a team, the focus is forward. It is people coming together to do better, put forward new ideas. The ‘What ifs’ are factored in assumptions or constraints, not the basis of a project. When you’re in the flow of writing that report, you have removed the fear of starting and failing by actually starting. So now there is no obstacle to overcome, no what ifs to tackle - it’s just you and the paper, in the middle of the process. 

These might seem like one-off, even obvious examples. But when the tendency to focus on saving, on your own movement, on the possible wrongs becomes a habit and applies to every aspect of your life, it can really put a hamper on what you think you’re capable of, what your quality of life becomes. Because you are looking at everything microscopically, you cannot deal with more things on your plate, it’s too overwhelming too soon. Consequently, you may either undertake too much thinking of all the 'shoulds' that govern your life and be in a constant state of worry until you reach a breaking point, or you may minimize your commitments and isolating yourself, limiting your own experiences - leading to a fluctuation between overwhelm and avoidance.

So that incessant focus on things that could go wrong cannot be just treated with “Oh this is stupid, let me just be a normal adult”. That deep fear of failure, (or even success at times) is stemming from shame and guilt. Minimizing it helps no one, it only adds to the fear. However, that focus can be diverted to more constructive avenues. Instead of counting ways of failure, what can we do right? What do I want in this situation, in my career, in my friendship, not just how others perceive me or how I fall short - Can I take stock of that from time to time? IF the worst does in fact happen, will it be that bad in actuality? How can I factor in my valid fears while not making them the criteria for my decisions?

The crisis we hope to steer away from is not the real crisis, it is the one we stay in while fearing the imaginary one.