Some thoughts as I complete three decades on earth and enter a new year (2025)

It’s the time of the year, only a few hours before a new year begins, which coincidentally also pretty close to my birthday. So, every year, the anticipation of a ‘new beginning’ goes hand in hand with my personal cake cutting. As I turn 30 in less than a week, as you would expect, this is the sort of milestone that has made me reflect a bit and take stock of my life. I know deep in my heart that it doesn’t really mean anything, that nothing would change as soon as the clock strikes 12, and that any real change in life happens with action. YET, I find myself asking questions like-

What have I learnt?

What have I not given myself credit for?

Who am I?

Not that these are questions I don’t ask myself almost daily (without answers), but I appreciate having a milestone where I am allowed to go through the list more formally and if nothing else, just remember what it’s like to be 29.

So, let’s get started.

• Speaking of ‘allowing’, so much of my life has been in a waiting-for-permission state. Like my own judgement was not reliable enough to actually go ahead with a decision I make, or any question (even logical) to it is a question to my intelligence. What that led to was two extremes, where I needed to be completely independent or completely dependent on someone else’s advice, both of which are not healthy by any means. And this ping pong often comes in certain time periods and areas of life, and what I have been finding recently is the need to shift from the all or nothing mentality and distance from emotionally attaching my worth to every decision I make. And in that process, to allow myself grace, not judge myself too harshly and allow active input if it is genuinely helpful. Hopefully, this would help me to seek experiences that I really want and not look at it from a prism of right/wrong and what is within my bounds.

• I think a lot of this mentality of ‘what’s allowed’ is brought upon from childhood itself, whereas in adulthood there are no rules. Everything and nothing is right if you just change your perspective, and it can be almost paralyzing to make any decision. But the beauty of being an adult is that you have the resources and liberty to make your own choices and just find out. Since there ARE no rules or correct ways to live life, you might as well just choose what you think in the moment makes most sense.  

• A lot of this year or maybe even the last couple of years have been quite disengaging for me. It's so much easier to dissociate than feel any discomfort. What I hope to do is not succumb to the need to self soothe in not the healthiest of ways and face the discomfort. What I really want is to go after things and experiences I want instead of running away from things that I don’t want, change the focus itself - from minimizing pain to maximizing fulfilment. Of course, this is easier said than done but then this is just the journey, right?

• As I get older, I feel older than I ever have (obviously) but also younger in so many other ways. In a way, 20 feels so far off - I was just a child then. But I was also way older than I needed to be. Getting to 30 feels a relief in that sense, it feels like I am finally growing into my age. I have always felt older and out of place being young in chronological age, so it doesn’t bother me that I am leaving my 20s. But there is a certain level of grief there - like I never really got to be a child or be reckless and now suddenly I am supposed to ‘have been’ stupid and careless already. So, I am coming to terms with the idea that there is no true time for doing anything and that my life is mine to live, stupid or not. 

• I do think that one thing I want to reclaim from my childhood is the ability to be naive, curious and single minded. I have tried to balance out my whole personality and, in that process, have worked more on my weaknesses than strengths. That means being practical, skeptical and balancing it all. There are no better or worse qualities, both have their own place in the world. As I sit and evaluate my life, I have found this desire to reconnect with the strengths I have taken for granted or tried to round out. I was one of those kids who were genuinely excited to get schoolbooks for science or history (not math, ugh) and spent all their free time just reading or studying - for the fun of it. I was perpetually bored as a child because I was so ready to just soak up any knowledge - whether it was academics or stories or novels and even found innovative ways to teach myself or keep myself entertained without feeling it was a task. I truly enjoyed the process and not just the outcome and I miss that pure feeling. I could sit for hours, in fact I needed hours to just complete something I started, and once I was in that trance, there was no getting out. I could put myself out there more easily because I was too naive to know any better or feel self-conscious- I was busy focusing on what I wanted than any judgement (in certain areas like school). I am jealous of the person I used to be and today I find it hard to create or build excitement for myself. So, this year and the years from now, I do want to go back to my roots and uncover those dormant strengths within, and that means listening to what I really want, like and gravitating towards that, away from distractions.

• One thing I have struggled with is advocating for myself. You could say that is an offshoot of the judgement point, but it is something I wanted to point out separately. Sometimes, having the audacity to ask for what you want or deserve is exactly what you need, even if it feels cringey, especially if it feels so. There is something to be said about unbridled confidence because it does get results.

• Enough complaints - I genuinely think I have been blessed in a lot of ways. Career wise, my effort to outcome ratio is pretty consistent. If I try hard enough, I get decent outcomes, if I don’t try, then I don’t. I have not suffered from major health issues or had big devastating breakups, so I don’t have the hardest life. (Or at least I don’t think so right now because I am in a good mood, and I have a terrible memory). I wanted to add a little bit for gratitude points, and this seems like a good place to do so ;)

• It’s not easy for me to admit wanting help or needing people, so I also wanted to add how much the community around you matters, and this is something I truly felt this year. I started writing on this blog for the reason of creating that community and finding people/reconnecting with people who I resonate with. So, I would definitely want to have experiences that do just that - whether it is travel, reaching out to my existing friends more, and writing more consistently. I do forget that sometimes, but I would like for this to be a reminder 🙂

• Well, some more thoughts on the '20s', which is supposed to be the best time of your life. It’s the same nonsense we are told, right? Once you cross your 12th grade, you would be free. Once you have a life partner, you would be happy. If you have a job with a big brand, you’ll be content. None of which is objectively true. Happiness can come in different forms AND at different times. If 20s are supposed to be the definitive best time, why bother living beyond them? We should all just dissolve into the air after that. Say you still believe in it and check off all the boxes, achieve all the big milestones, what then? Lounge around, wait for death?

  We all know it’s not true. The thing is- it’s not about being 21 or 41. Perhaps 20s is an easier time because there are no responsibilities, no burdens, and a lot of energy. All pluses, I get it. But do you see how lost the 20 somethings are? How there is much pressure to find yourself and the ‘right’ place to be that you go into overdrive or freeze, unable to decide, or decide too quickly and burn yourself out. Nothing actually changes when you’re 30, nobody from the sky falls down and makes you a different person. Sometimes, you just need to let life happen and be active in the choices you make. And you can choose anytime, minus the pressure of making it the best. It is something I have begun realizing over the past few years and I am slowly becoming more comfortable (or at least trying) with simply existing without too many shoulds.

  
  

This year is going to be quite experimental for me professionally and personally, and I am, against all odds quite excited. So, at 11:58 PM December 31st, wishing you a Happy New Year!