One question away

I grew up in an environment that did not particularly entertain questions. The primary rules were, to sum it up, ‘Parampara Pratishtha Anushasan’ (Tradition, prestige, discipline). So, the best and the only way to prove yourself was to excel academically, to not need anything, to be kind and not make a fuss, to be a 'good' person. Am I exaggerating, perhaps? Are these the ramblings of a child? Who’s to say. We all have a myopic lens of our childhoods so I can perhaps only explain the hazy picture I saw from mine. 

The point being, in that environment, questions are not only viewed as not a good thing, but as an outrage. Questioning authority, wanting to understand the reason behind the ‘no’, are not signs of a good person, especially when that someone is not an adult. So, you play the part, do what you can, and make the effort all by yourself. Don't ask for help, don't get into things, just float.

Well, believe it or not, we carry these lessons with us, and forget when we actually transition into adulthood, and it becomes okay one day, even desirable, to ask those questions. By now, the seed has been planted. It cannot be removed until it is with open eyes, consciously, and with a necessary hit to your beliefs. That hit comes from the real world, and you realize, in an effort to be viewed as competent, you kept your mouth shut, kept your doubts hidden, because to you that was wiser. Instead of creating noise, you chose to be quiet, because that is what would make you appear calm. Because expressing concerns, asking questions, saying no, would make you unpalatable. Maybe you would end up feeling ostracized, alone. Trying, asking for help, would mean looking stupid and who knows if you'll succeed - maybe, eventually.

That ‘maybe’ can be huge. It is what makes you not act, not to say what needs to be said, not to oppose, not to disrupt peace. In that effort to not look like a failure, in fact, you look like.. nothing at all, and you feel unremarkable, hollow, because you suppressed your inner voice and just went through the motions.

And then you realize, it would have been wiser to ask the stupid question, to look dumb for a second, or two, or two hundred, and then it wouldn’t have mattered. That there is nobody in the world who hasn’t ever looked stupid in their life. The stupidity is not in asking, but in not listening to that voice in your head that needs to be heard, answered and catered to, that voice that grows weaker every time you suppress it until you realize you’re saying things you don’t relate to, talking to people you don’t connect with because you never really showed them your true self , living a life that you don’t want or value. 

During my MBA, I studied in a course called Strategy Consulting about how asking the right questions is more important than answering them 100% correctly. I didn’t apply it much at the time, and certainly not in my first few years as a working adult, but I did learn it, in my personal life more than my professional one. Knowing the ‘whys’ of your life is as applicable to the friends you keep, the things you spend your free time on, as it is to the job you want, the amount of money you want to make, the culture you want to be a part of. 

Why, in essence is a question you never asked the world, so how would you have turned around and asked it to yourself?

This can feel way too serious perhaps. The practice can be more habitual than you think. It can mean something as small as questioning that Uber driver when he takes a turn you think is wrong but are not too sure yet, asking the basic question at work in a team call of 10 even if it is embarrassing, asking your friend what is truly wrong after days of them giving you a cold shoulder instead of hoping they’ll just get over it. It is in these little moments of asking those questions that you begin to trust your instinct, and that builds to good judgement, judgement that can lead to a life you want to build, be the person you want to be, intentionally, and not just because it was the easiest in the moment or happened to occur in the flow. That initial discomfort has a habit of disappearing and then listening to your own voice becomes the norm.

One question can be the difference between stupidity and wisdom.