First drafts

Back in 2016, I was preparing for the CAT Exam. As we got into the advanced stages of preparation, we started working on our Group Discussions (GD) and Personal Interview skills. Now, I was comfortable practicing CAT mocks all day. But when it came to GDs specifically, it was torture. The idea of 8 people in a circle putting on a show of being intelligent, aware and then cutting people off to make a point felt extremely performative to me. 

Nevertheless, I did what had to be done.

At the coaching centre I went to, we had mock GDs and PIs to help us out. The good thing was that we got personalized feedback on our performance. My teacher advised some students to speak up, some to lower their aggression, some to not interrupt others. 

Me?

“Stop correcting yourself before you have even spoken”

And he was bang on.

Not because it was applicable to the GD, but my whole life.

I had deeply entrenched ideas of what ‘should’ be spoken. I had been holding my tongue my entire life. No wonder it crept into the GD.

Over time, of course, I came face to face with this habit because it had manifested in various ways.

I found it hard to admit I didn’t know something, that I needed help. I found it difficult to advocate for myself - because I was busy comparing my feelings to unspoken ‘norms’ that actually did not exist.

I tried to work on this in public ways- being more outspoken at work, being forthcoming with friends and trying to get in touch with what matters to me instead of what should matter.

And then I started writing a few years back only to realise how deeper the problem was. I sat down to write an article and came up blank. It is a known fact that first drafts are bad. That is what allows a first draft to be written- knowing it sucks but it is there, it can be made better. Still, I was coming up blank because I was not censoring my writing, but my thoughts. And not from an audience, but from myself.

I had lived so much of my life afraid of being seen in any way, thinking if I shrink myself enough, I could avoid judgment or misunderstanding. Eventually, I started doing it to myself even without an audience.

We do that a lot, don’t we? View ourselves from an external point of view. Like we are not inhabiting our bodies, our lives, but are perpetually a bystander judging the worst part of ourselves, or putting our actions in the worst possible light. “Let me see the worst in myself before anyone else has the chance to” can be a way of protection.

It prevents us from getting in touch with what we need because we are too busy wondering if it’s acceptable. The worst part is  - it doesn’t matter what we choose to do, it’s never going to be right, because right will keep changing. The kindest thing we can do is to be honest with ourselves instead of dismissing our own voice.

Self sabotage is worse than being wrong. Don't erase the first draft before it's written.